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I haven't got time to do this but I can't resist..

300, the review I want to write.

300 is about 300 naked Spartans holding off 10 trillion pussy wetting Persians. The Persians are interested in sex, drink and pleasure = WO-MEN!!!! while the Spartans are interested in WAR PAIN FIGHTING GRRRRR!!! Even Spartan women are so manly that none of them need bras, which is helpful as it means they can wear togas tied in ridiculously unlikely ways. They aren't very smart though. But before we have time to realise that, it's back to shots of ABS, SIX PACKS, GLUTES, POINTY THINGS and MALE MEN BEING MANLY. Are you getting my drift here? OMG this is the GAYEST MOVIE ever in the history of the world. It's got a bit of coy incidental fighting but mostly it's about incredibly hot men in speedoes gazing lovingly at each other's groins. There's no plot to get in the way either. And very little dialogue for anyone except Leonidas and Universal Overvoice Exposition person - but what there is tends to go a bit like this (I can't remeber anyone's names so i'll just make a few up)

PRIAPOS: (scratching his ass endearingly) What larks we shall have TONIGHT, Muscliferous, when we have shown these pussy Persians how we Spartans KICK ASS!!

MUSCLIFEROUS: (throwing a LONG POINTY THING with concentrated intent) Yes, we shall REVEL TONIGHT Priapos, when we have shown the Persians how to PLAY BALL!!!

And then you get people complaining that the film doesn't show the Spartan warriors as explicitly each other's lovers... laugh? I nearly had mo stomach pumped.

OMG it's the GAYEST FILM IN THE HISTORY OF GAYDOM WITH ADDED GAY BITS.
Are you catching where I'm going with this?

me I'm running out to buy the DVD for those long winter nights..

The Review I Feel I Ought To Write

Ok, so the Spartans are clearly white, noble, upstanding and magnificent manly men warriors.

The Persians are swarthy sickos.

the Spartans organise a pre emptive strike to stop the Persians infecting their society with "irrationality and mysticism" (probably misquoted but something very like this, said portentously near the end.)

So who paid Frank Miller to do PR for invading Iraq??

BTW, 3, the much funnier review is at http://lemonpepper.wordpress.com/2007/03/23/dude-ity/ .

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May 2009

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