Back in Soton..

[green_amber]

and going to sleep! No, not really connected..

From someone else's LJ.. this "British" citizenship test thing. If it had a practical session, what would it involve?

I came up in 5 seconds with: "Eating picnics outside on freezing cold beaches in force 8 gales while not choking on the sand, eating cockles and mussels, singing Cockney songs round the piano in an "East end pub" TM, and watching cricket without being driven to eating the dog out of boredom."

And, of course, enjoying a nice cup of tea.

Any more?

Comments

[likeneontubing.livejournal.com]

watching cricket without being driven to eating the dog out of boredom.

i would DEF fail on this count

[lamentables.livejournal.com]

Talking/complaining about the weather for a whole minute without hesitation, repetition or deviation.

[grapefruitzzz.livejournal.com]

Considering it involves a big pile of Londony things to do, then it indeed sounds like a govt. test as they think nowhere else exists :D Stupid Olympics ruining the plans for a giant Manchester tram network to run right by my house.

Also: Standing under awning outside shop during rain shower, looking up at the sky and pursing lips to say "Ooh, it's coming in from the west, that"

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

London? Cold beaches??? that's Barrow in Furness that is..

[grapefruitzzz.livejournal.com]

True indeed. I bet they even have holiday beaches in Scotland.

[steer.livejournal.com]

Quick fire exercise. The candidate is told that something has occurred but not given further details. In under five minutes the candidate must convince the interviewer that it is a terrible thing, would not have occurred in their day and is a sure sign that society is going to hell. Extra points are gained for blaming random celebrities, politicians in general or them.

Nervous shuffling practice (male candidates only). You are in a men's toilet with the cubicles (which you need to use) all occupied or in a women's clothing store as your partner tries on dresses. You must be able to assume an expression of extreme guilt and shuffle restlessly from foot to foot while looking at your watch repeatedly.

Cognitive dissonance test. The interviewer will give you the names of two towns in mainland britain. You must then describe a terrible congested car journey between them naming all the roads. You must describe the nature of the traffic jam you were in and your frustration. Bonus points for saying "something should be done, it's a disgrace". You must then immediately follow this by railing passionately against high petrol prices and/or road pricing. Extra marks will be given for the candidate who can get the interviewer to pass out through sheer boredom during the listing of road names.

:-) no 3 addenda..

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

"Ooh, I wouldn't start from there."

You forgot the obligatory mention of French lorry drivers, and probably tachometers.

I've thought of another one .. must rail at the awfulness of Big Brother while making it clear that in fact they have encyclopaedic knowledge of it.

[rozk.livejournal.com]

1 Standing in a queue for half an hour then jumping it when the bus comes
2 Saying ' mustn't complain' as a prelude to complaining
3 Watching the Two Ronnies and thinking they are funny
4 Eating brown sauce

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

Well I'm not British on any of them! (I either don't queue if feeling bloshy or don't queue jump if feeling timid. )

[marrog.livejournal.com]

1. As said previously, queueing. A lot.

2. Accent spotting - despite UK regional accents being radically different from one another (and I'm almost qualified to say that officially), non-Brits apparently often have trouble.

3. Quoting Monty Python? Question marked because non-Brit geeks prolly can.

4. Ironic patriotic self-loathing.

5. Lasagne with chips. Say it with me: carbs and cheese.

6. Alcohol tolerance. Well, for Scots at least.

7. (a) Ability to expound at length upon the British class system.
(b) Ability to expound at length upon religion - any religion.
(c) Ability to do the above but when pressured will admit to not actually giving a shit as long as whatever's going on doesn't happen in one's back yard.

8. Worrying excessively about the goings-on in one's back yard when one shares it with six other people who one hates, and hasn't actually been in it except that one day last summer when one thought one would dry one's washing in the warm, only then it rained and the laundry came in grubby. Not doing that again.

I'll let you know if I come up with any more.

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

I love the way this seques from the general to the particular..

In Edinburgh I think we are very unBritish in being much more worried about what happens on our own stair than in our own backyard. My friend Mandy was traumatised for years when she found a couple shagging in public on her stair..

Carbs and carbs is a Scottish horror. In the rst of the UK they Do Not Regularly Eat Macaroni Pie and Chips.

[inamac.livejournal.com]

Pasta with chips weirds me out (also ice in brandy), but they do seem to be New British indicators.

What about a practical dining challenge? - eating peas off the back of a fork, holding the knife correctly, bonus points for using a knife and fork to eat a banana...

[johncoxon.livejournal.com]

Cricket is the second most popular sport in the world and as such the cricket thing isn't so much a test of whether you're British but more whether you're colonial.

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

Indeed - I've met more people abraod who loved cricket by far than here - in Oz it's compulsory.

[johncoxon.livejournal.com]

Yes, although the last Test match against the West Indies was a corker, so that's good. The Australians have the right idea about sport, in some ways.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

India too

[akicif.livejournal.com]

Quite. Otherwise Martin McGuinness would be more British than Paisley....

[blue-condition.livejournal.com]

Being part of the gang of 50000 singing "God Save The Queen" louder than the 250000 Frogs doing La Crappy Marseillaise at Le Mans :)