Why I Don't Want To Go To Glastonbury

[green_amber]

.. courtesy of the ever wonderful Charlie Brooker

"Once you're in, the sheer scale of it is initially overwhelming. Imagine forcing the cast of Emmerdale to hurriedly construct Las Vegas at gunpoint in the rain. Then do it again. And once more for luck. That's Glastonbury: a cross between a medieval refugee camp and a recently detonated circus."

Still after 2 bottles of wine, a roast chicken with a lemon up its bum, chocolate Gu and a persuasive catabolism, it didn't seem THAT bad an idea last night, as we watched Glastonbury on seemingly endless loop via BBC2, BBC3 and mysterious extra channels accessed only via red blob.

Glastonbury seems endlessly far away when you're living in Edinburgh, as`mythical as Atlantis. In Southampton, where actual people I actually know actually go, it begins to seem vaguely plausible. After an episode of Dr Who , Glastonbury naturally forms part of the same ambience - you can easily imagine a Dalek-Cybermen showdown happening on its bucolic fields. Maybe Paul Weller is secretly the Master from 1973.

"Why can't I take an RV, like people have in the USA?" I said. "You know - a big van you can sleep in. No mud. No sleeping on the ground. And my own toilet."

"That's a camper van," quoth Christina. "That's not RIGHT. They're not allowed. They take up too much room. And you're missing out on all the fun. No one I know would DREAM of being seen going to a festival in a camper van."

But then lo by the miracle of Google we discover that Glastonbury DOES have parking for camper vans. And even caravans.

"It'll be miles away" says Christina doomily.

"Oh come on ," I say, "at festivals everything's miles away anyway." Even I , who have only been to T in the Park, once (and that when it was practically next to snotnose's back garden) know this much.

"You won't want to walk back to your camper van whenever you need the loo, " persists Christina, "it'll be miles from the bands."

"Hah!" I retort. "a, I'm very continent. b, I don't drink beer. c You'll all be BEGGING to use my toilet when the rain and mud starts!! I'll sell tickets!"

Christina acknowledges the possibility. But the social faux pas of being seen in a camper van is clearly worrying her.

"In Cornwall everyone has camper vans. But you can't take them to FESTIVALS. That's why we all have tents!!"

So come on oh hippy geeky pagan polyamorous FL. Would you be seen dead in a camper van at Glatonbury? If not why not? And why don't we have RVs? I'm fascinated now...

Comments

[zotz]

No, when I go to a festival I camp. I have a tent that I can lift with two fingers. I don't have to tow anything (or even necessarily go by car at all).

And why don't we have RVs

Because they're a useless and expensive burden for the rest of the year.

[swisstone.livejournal.com]

Yes, but that last time I saw you at a festival, you were being paid to do it. As indeed was I.

[zotz]

True. The last time I was at a festival, though, I paid to be there. And I camped. I'm seriously considering one this summer too.

[bohemiancoast.livejournal.com]

They cost a fortune, and you have to tax and maintain them all the rest of the year. And park them of course (which we couldn't do in Walthamstow). At present it's very difficult/impossible to hire them for the weekend, which would work for many people -- but would still be incredibly expensive (I think probably £800 for a two-person van for Glasto might be a reasonable working assumption for a weekend's peak rate hire).

We've thought about it vaguely because the amount of clobber you end up taking when camping with kids is quite considerable. My in-laws have a van and love it; they go to jazz festivals every weekend and spend weeks at a time on the continent (and their's has a *shower*!!!). And if you have a van you have literally zero set-up -- all your festival kit lives in the van, so all you have to do when you get to the festival is park. There are loads of campervans and caravans at the sort of festival we go to.

They're not markedly more comfortable than tents -- they're much smaller, for one thing. It's easier to cook, but who cooks at festivals anyway?

Festival toilets are much nicer than they used to be (NB at the sort of festivals I go to, mostly attended by nice civilised middle-class people of mature years!) but it would be v. nice to have en-suite at night. But Lidl sell a portable toilet for £30 which is basically identical to the sort you get in campervans and I'm told lots of people use that in tents, either in a spare bedroom pod or in a separate toilet tent. In the day most people use festival toilets anyway because, obviously, you have to empty the cassette of your van toilet or portaloo and you want to do that as little as possible.

Personally we have just decided to upgrade our tent to one that's slightly bigger and hopefully substantially more waterproof. But we're not going for a full-on family tent that's as big as many small flats; we're still basically festival campers and our tent is really just somewhere to sleep.

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

You can hire em for about £110 a day for one with 4 berths!! terribly clever - the roof folds out and two beds are on top of it.. which for 4 people makes it pretty plausible. i discovered a wide variety of hiring campers out for festivals websites last night.. come to Glastonbury with Chris and me!! There were certainly ones for hire for less than that for 2 adults plus 2 kids berths.

[bohemiancoast.livejournal.com]

No. There is no point going to Glastonbury, where all the bands I want to see are on the Avalon stage and I'm camped two miles away, when I can go to (eg) Trowbridge and see the same bands in an absolutely glorious setting and be no more than five minutes walk from the stages. Plus Glastonbury with kids would be complete shit, because kids do not react well to forced marches through mud. (They were even pretty unhappy at the Big Session, where we had a single trudge through mud of perhaps 1% of the length of a Glastonbury hike.)

You come to Cropredy! You'd love it; it's a brilliant festival with a proper field (just the one). Jools Holland, Seth Lakeman, Richard Thompson, the Strawbs... and admittedly, a great deal of Fairport Convention. But it is the perfect festival for people who like to chill in a field, as you plonk your arse on a nice sunny bit of field and leave it there for the entire day, periodically topping up with beer or checking out the craft stalls.

[clarehooper.livejournal.com]

I dunno, *grin* the kids I saw at Glasto this year were very happy in the mud. I'm not so sure about their parents, mind...

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

TBH ss the title reveals I have no real ambition to go to Glasto at all - expensive + mud= not my idea of a good time, esp in a tent! (If you think the kids are unhappy on a forced march through mud you haven't tried it with a Surliminal ..:) I just became bemused with the anti-campervan sentiment!

I would like to go to a festival like you describe - small, sunny and manageable and maybe even try the dreaded Camping. We should Consult on this , some time before we start drinking :) When IS Cropready?

Saw Seth lakeman on TV last night -- he was ok if er a bit folkey! :-P

[bohemiancoast.livejournal.com]

Cropredy is 2nd weekend in August.

The other festival you might well like is Trowbridge -- we're not going this year (it's All a Bit Difficult -- this year it clashes with Teledu, but in general it clashes with Warwick FF which was my children's favourite festival ever and is vastly easier for us to get to than Trowbridge) but it is a lovely lovely festival with some good bands, heavily focused around folk/rock with a bit of blues, and has added Christina and Doug, always a good bet.

And of course then there's Cambridge, which Everyone You Know goes too. Too late to get a ticket now except on eBay -- but of course no need to camp, just stay with someone in Cambridge. I find Cambridge more and more crowded each year (though there are no more people at it -- it's just that unlike most other festivals, Cambridge has taken no serious action about the influx of camping chairs); if it wasn't for the fact that Everyone We Know goes, and that we have comfortable accommodation in a friend's house right by Cherry Hinton Hall, I'm not sure we'd choose that festival.

But you know, we're doing approx 7 festivals this summer, all different types. Bound to be something you'd enjoy. We're even taking a stray (Meriol Ameringen) with us to one; no doubt the first of many where we end up with extra kids.

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

I wonder if you can tag the festivals you're going to on facebook! that would be a good application :)
Cambridge - usually too folky! but I might check it out.. I prefer going to Cambridge for Strawberry Fayre really.. (and it doesn't sell out!) Or maybe I 'll just go to Marcia's bbq! What's that Ely festival??

[bohemiancoast.livejournal.com]

mmm Cambridge is probably the least folky festival we go to. My problem with the Cambridge music is that it's far too Radio 2 friendly; lots of music from which the raw edges have been chipped off.

Ely FF is normaly the weekend after T&M's barbie, but this year it's the same weekend! So we are going to the festival but coming over to the barbie sometime on Saturday pm (which is where the plan has us collecting Meriol for a night's camping).

It is a small trad festival; one big tent (seating about 1000), one smaller tent (dance stage, workshops, or seating for a few hundred), one tiny tent (50 for small acts or singaround), one beer tent with session in the corner, one outdoor dance stage (morris displays), half a dozen each craft stalls and food tents, one kids area -- all of that on a football field. In addition there's a pile of morris in town on the Saturday. The first time I went I thought 'gosh, there *is* a lot of morris at this festival...' but I quite like it now. I suspect you would find it all rather unreconstructed.

I like Ely FF because it's on a football field so there is a pavilion with *hot showers and flush toilets*, and the whole site is very compact.

ElyFF

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

God lord how bizarre. I just ildly looked it up and Ezio are headliining! I saw them abroad a million years ago and was so impressed I am still on their emailing list! I didn't know they were folk!! I liked shooglenifty too! In fact it's the best line up I've seen yet!!

And they take camper vans!:-P

Re: ElyFF

[bohemiancoast.livejournal.com]

Actually it is a brilliant lineup all round. Ezio headline on Friday and Shooglenifty on Saturday. Though weirdly the main stage at Ely is seated and Shooglenifty aren't really a band to watch sitting down.

Anyway, why not come! You can always bail and go off to Tim & Marcia's if you hate it.

Minimum camping gear -- if you don't hire campervan! -- pop up tent from Tesco (£25) is just fine for one person -- http://direct.tesco.com/q/R.200-4714.aspx .

Sleeping bag -- eg from Tesco again -- http://direct.tesco.com/search/default.aspx?search=sleeping+bag&confirm.x=0&confirm.y=0 don't get the absolute cheapest or you may freeze even in midsummer, but anything 'three season' should be fine.

Incredibly comfy camping mat -- the camper website raves about a mat called the Fat Airic --http://www.alpkit.com/shop/cart.php?target=product&product_id=16215&category_id=253 which is £37.50. Haven't tried but people say 'comfier and warmer than an airbed'.

Normally I'd also recommend a chair but honestly for Ely it's hardly worth it because there are chairs everywhere on site.

Or of course given that it's Ely you could always commute from Cambridge or even taxi! It's only a small festival so there are no queues or problems of that kind.

[ninebelow.livejournal.com]

The is also the Green Man Festival which is sort of equidistant between Glastonbury and Cropedy.

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

pah I was almost beginning to fancy camb FF on discovering there were retuirns on the website when i realised I'll be in Berlin then!

[andrewducker]

I remember you taking a while to get used to the SUV they handed you when you were last in Cornwall. The thought of a bunch of people trying to drive an SUV they're unused to across a muddy field fills me with horror...

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

But that's my point exactly - if I could get used to driving an SUV that quickly then camper vans have no terrors for me!!

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

Camper vans are evil. They also damage the fields on which they get parked. The solution is, of course, the lovely B & B (booked 18 years in adavance, probably). And roller skates.

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

Surely the b and s at Glasto are even MORE hundreds of miles away.. I wondfer where Charlie was staying?
Why are campers evil????!

[bohemiancoast.livejournal.com]

The problem with B&Bs -- which we used for Cropredy pre-kids -- is that somebody has to stay sober and drive. With camping you can just drink all night and then fall into your tent. Otherwise B&Bs are a brilliant option -- perhaps not for Glasto though because of the number of people. Hot baths, good breakfasts, cleanliness.

You do have to queue for some time to get out of the carpark at night. This was what inspired me to start taking a minidisc recorder to festivals, because it's loads more fun sitting in a car park for an hour if you're listening to recordings of the festival.

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

OMG that would drive me insane. Even the checkout at waitrose drives me insane!

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

It is possible to find B & B accommodation, I beeeive, but it does take careful advance planning (I used to know someone who did this).
Hmm... why are campers evil...? Mainly, I think, because they are a way of being trapped in a small space with family (which I hate). Also they are large and slow and represent a particular kind of refusal to engage with one's location. They don't join in with the new place, they take the same old, same old stuff with them (English familes solemnly cooking baked beans on French campsites)..
Oh, and they are definitely bourgeois!

[drplokta]

We don't have RVs, as opposed to camper vans, because they're enormous and they won't fit on the roads that go anywhere you might want to take an RV.

[easterbunny.livejournal.com]

The Surrey Mobile Library is the size of an RV, and it lumbers up and down all kinds of roads where camper van drivers happily pootle along at 4 miles an hour. Usually when I'm late to work.

surliminal, I say skip the RV and upgrade to a Marriott with helicopter service.

[moral-vacuum.livejournal.com]

You are SO right.

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

Seconded! With fizz on tap!

(You should both come to the bbq - I got a nice bottle of Veuve Cliquot at the conference last week as a pressie and well need an opportunity to open it ..!:-)

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

ps great icon!

[whotheheckami.livejournal.com]

The cloud ase was so low for this Glasto that civilian rotary traffic was diverted to Bristol and the names came in through the mud in SUVs [laughs]

[clarehooper.livejournal.com]

Well, I hitched a lift with Hugh Davis (d'ya know him? Another ECS bod, head of my research group, LSL), who travelled up with his wife in, yes, a camper van! As did Hugh G. The campers were a way out of the festival, but Glasto is SO huge that when you camp, you're inevitably way out the way of parts of the festival. I believe they said that camper van parking was an extra £50. Hugh and Su's camper was very luxurious - fold-out double bed, toilet + shower, little sink/kitchen area, huge awning. It must have cost a bomb, but was very nice indeed!

Only prob was that Hugh was concerned about our ability to drive out again over the quagmire! It was only a front wheel drive. He left early, and had no probs.

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

Wow yeh I know him - he runs the wine society! so I bet that camper van had everything I need!!! *thinks - must nuzzle up to him at the wine soc bbq!*

[clarehooper.livejournal.com]

Yep, that's our Hugh! Good plan :)

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

ps so what was your Glasto highlight!

[clarehooper.livejournal.com]

Oooh, really hard to pick... there was just so much craziness! Possibly wandering back from the headliners on Sat night. We randomly bumped into friends (bizarre how often that happened, given the numbers!), and wandered back to the campsite singing various songs, substituting the word 'love' with 'mud'. ("Mud is all around us..." "All you need is mud..." you get the picture!)

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

As far as I'm concerned luxury hotel is the only way to go :)

[likeneontubing.livejournal.com]

i just hate camping. it's either too hot and insect-y, or cold and sometimes wet and insect-y. the toilets are ages away and are usually filth-ridden holes in the floor through which you can see other people's excrement too.

not my idea of fun hehe. the b&b is out of my budget too, so i think i'd go for a camper van given the choice. of course, neither me, nor any of my festival buds can drive. ah well.

[surliminal.livejournal.com]

this is how I feel pretty much! except I CAN drive :)

[davesangel.livejournal.com]

I'd happily stay in a camper van at Glastonbury - it's less likely to get wet inside the van than a tent, and it would also be less likely to be ABSOLUTELY FREEZING from 1am onwards, which was my experience back in 2003, even though that was one of the best years in regards to the weather...And you can stick more stuff in a camper van than a tent...

The only problem is that with a tent you can camp pretty much anywhere (we camped about 5 mins from the Pyramid Stage) but with a camper van, you're pretty limited to where you can stay, and that's usually a far way from Pyramid Stage and the other areas where I'd tend to hang out. So if it were go get really wet or something, there wouldn't be anywhere to shelter (I know tents aren't great for shelter anyway, but they're better than nothing if there's a downpour),and you'd have a far way to walk if you went out without a particular thing and then had to run back and get it...

[ophelia-complex.livejournal.com]

I'm far too old/grumpy/sensitive/discerning/intelligent to even consider CAMPING at glastonbury. It almost always turns into a sea of mud, a camper van is *the* only sane solution...and get some tickets handy, because your camper van will be very popular with the wouldn't-be-seen-dead hippy crowd when the rain really starts.

[kissmeforlonger.livejournal.com]

Not sure about the camper van idea but I stopped going to Glastonbury because it was far too big, there were too many people, too much tripping over the tent in the middle of the night, throwing up or having noisy sex within earshot. The crime and drugs just made it a hassle, too.

Much happier with going to festies where there are b and bs.

Having said that, a mellow peaceful corner of one of the new age fields might be a much nicer, safer and altogether more congenial camping experience.

[clarehooper.livejournal.com]

That's what we did this year - we were up real close to the Stone Circle, which was all very peaceful. Only problem was that the path through our field was on a slope, so when it descended into mud and mire, it was doubly-bad on account of being super-slippy!

But no probs whatsoever with noise/crime/drugs/sex out that way :)

[whotheheckami.livejournal.com]

Wimp! Camping was pretty good for Sarah and I. We had a HUGE tent (8-berth) so we had a wing to ourselves to sleep in and plenty of room to clean , a muddy area to disrobe and plenty of room for kit to dry. There were even hot showers nearby.

Granted, this was is a staff area, but we only had to work 3 x 6-hour shifts.

Twas brilliant :@D

[catabolism.livejournal.com]

I guess it's too late to set the record straight: Camper Vans are appropriate vehicles for festivals; it was caravans I was being sceptical about (too middle-class!) I wouldn't hire one for the weekend, because I have a tent, so don't need one. An indoor toilet would be fantastic, but not if it took me several hours to walk back to. (Mikel who has just returned from Glastonbury reported it could take hours to get from one stage to another on site, so you have to feel pretty motivated. He also said the toilets were astonishingly clean! On the downside, they decided to leave at four in the morning to avoid the queues. Some that didn't took 12 hours to get out the carpark. I'm going off this Glastonbury idea again.)